Dear Christian Brother…
There is something called Emotional Intelligence. And that’s what we would concentrate on today.
You know how you see someone and say “This one no even get sense” (This person lacks brains, for those who don’t understand pidgin). Exactly.
That’s how many sisters see Christian Brothers in the emotional department. And we can’t blame them. It’s because many a time, Christian Brothers “no even get sense” when it comes to being emotionally Intelligent.
Bro, it’s okay to feel insulted, or even berated and I apologize for causing you to feel such. But would you rather I tell you the truth or just sugarcoat it and say you’re trying when in the real sense, you’re far from zero. Like minus 100 on the score sheet.
Let’s start with the simple stuff’s
A lot of the time, the woman doesn’t want you to say a word. She just wants you to listen. And sadly, that’s when you’re talking your life away or not paying attention to her. Women are, by design, attention driven. You want a woman to blossom, shower her GENUINE attention. Make efforts that show that you care. Not just buying flowers or writing love poems (which you should do by the way), but paying more attention to the details. Like what hair products does she use and getting them for her. Like what dress size (and shoe size) she is, like her favorite colors, like what tickles her. Books, movies, food, etc.
And lest I forget, her birthday! You can’t afford to forget her birthday, or any other memorable day for that matter. Say your anniversary, your first date, the first time you saw her, things like that are what matters, Bro. And notice that knowing all of these things doesn’t make you less of a Christian!
Too many times, men think about the numbers. Yeah, we are wired like that to think about the financial implications of anything at all. So when you’re thinking of how to be romantic, you’re already thinking of how much you will spend, and I’m here to tell you that it’s not always about the money. It’s not Bro.
Okay, so God has blessed you with money. Awesome. Give her money from now to next year and all you will have done is make yourself an ATM. She wants you to do more than just throw money around.
And maybe you’re a broke-ass brother like I was in my early dating days and you’re wondering “I don’t have money to take her on extravagant dates or buy her amazing gifts“. Well, have you tried writing her a heartfelt note that says how you truly feel about her everytime her thought crosses your mind, and then drop that note in her handbag so she sees it by surprise, or even make a meal and specially garnish it like I always did in my broke ass days (and still do by the way)
See, that’s what we’re talking about. Be creative.
Oh, and I nearly forgot the last category of Brothers. The ones that say “I don’t have time for all that, she knows I love her and that should be enough“
Clap for yourself. Mr LoverMan.
Love is in the showing, Brother. Love shows itself. Yeah. Oh, you want me to show you in the Bible where love shows itself? God is the perfect example. He shows us His love throughout the Scriptures. He doesn’t just wake up one day and send Jesus to die for our sins, He made sure Jesus integrated in our world, relating with us to the point of knowing how we feel and attending to our every need!
Now you see how God expresses His love? And you tell me that isn’t romantic? God could have as well said, “See, I don’t have the time to be romantic, I have enough money to give these people, so lemme just give them money (Christ dying for us) and that will be fine“
But no, He lived with us, listened to us, paid attention to us, cooked for us, ate with us, cried with us, laughed with us, became weak like us, all so He could empathize with us!
Brothers, we can do be better in the attention department! We can show our love and still be Christian.
See ehn, this one is a default place where many African Christian Brothers fail. By virtue of our upbringing, we have learnt that “boys don’t cry“. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we are usually inclined to be the strong, macho man and not show affection!
Bros, the world has changed!
Yes. You heard that right.
Show it. Show that you feel. Don’t form macho all over the place.
Be more expressive of how love feels to you.
I’m sure you’re wondering how this relates to being romantic to her. I’d give a simple example.
So she gets you a gift and all tou can say is “thank you”. Ordinary thank you. When what you really feel is a gigantic stream of emotions in your tummy and your real struggle is letting it out without compromising on your chastity (like yeah, we know you don’t want to kiss and all before marriage, we get the point). Welcome to affection 101, Bro.
See, there’s more to affection than hugs and kisses. Send cute random messages every now and again (don’t make it every Sunday oh, it’s not Sunday School manual).
Hang out with her and her friends. Get to know the kind of people she rolls with and be their friend. That way, you get to know what influences her, and you also become a topic of discussion when you’re not there. Nothing makes a lady happy like when her friends complement how awesome her man is, and be sure you get on their good sides so they can root for you. You need the fan base, Bro.
Or how about making a nice smoothie and taking it to her place of work (or classroom). Some perfect PDA without the touching. Show affection, Bro. Show it. (PDA means Public Display of Affection, Bro, in case you’re too Christian and you didn’t know)
It is no brainer that showing affection requires some vulnerability. Definitely. You must be willing to be vulnerable. Why? Because affection is reciprocal in nature. Once you show her affection, she will do the same. And once she slows you affection, she expects you to blush and be all mushy mushy and emotional in response. Once you do that, you’re the definition of romantic!
Stop forming ‘Hard Guy‘, Bro. Hard Guy doesn’t help anybody, at least, not in love relationships.
This one can’t be overemphasized and it’s quite a common pitfall for those in the “we’ve been dating for quite some time now” phase. You’ve come to know her and all her flaws and baggage. So when she makes the effort to do something nice, you don’t even show the smallest ounce of being grateful.
Haba! Brother! It’s not fair now. She did her best to be there on time o, just that she had to apply small make up and so she came 10 minutes late. Be appreciative of the effort she put in. She could have been her usual “African time lady” who only starts getting ready when you’re downstairs. But no, she didn’t. She tried na. Give her some credit.
Don’t be overly critical of her. She’s your woman and you should be rooting for her, not putting her down. She would not always make the best moves or perfect decisions, but you see the little things she does, be sure to amplify them. Sing her praises.
She has to be the smartest, strongest, loveliest, most beautiful, best cook, best person that you know in the entire world, and many more things than this little list I have just made. And you have to tell her.
Words, my Brother, words are powerful. You know why? Words created out world. And the ideal woman of your desire isn’t always the woman you get. But you can speak those desires into existence by speaking life to this lovely woman consistently. Positive words of affirmation are one of the most romantic qualities a man can possess.
Finally. Dear Christian Brother. That you’re Christian doesn’t mean your dress sense should be whack and tacky. No. Please. Christ has not called us to be drab.
I know you’re about to give me 10 Scriptures that talk about modesty and all and I’m all for modesty.
But there is style in modesty! Please. Modesty should not be used as an excuse for poor style. So your shirt is green and your trousers are yellow. Are you going for a masquerade carnival?
Or you’re one of those Brothers that wear clothes that are 20 years out of fashion. Please, stop disgracing the Brotherhood.
Ah, how can I forget those Brothers that don’t smell nice. Get yourself a N300 can of body spray, please. Applying some anti-perspirant in that armpit wouldn’t make you go to hell fire now, ehn?
Please for God’s sake. Do better in the fashion department, Brothers. And shave those beards, and trim that hairline, and just take some good care of yourself. It wouldn’t cost you your holiness to do so, would it?
There’s so much I want to say in this post about EI (Emotional Intelligence) but time won’t permit it.
I think for emphasis sakes, I would reiterate this.
It’s okay to be vulnerable with your partner. Show that you’re human, cry if you feel like, crack jokes that make sense and be free with her. She’s your partner for life. She doesn’t want a boring life o. Don’t make marriage a boring one for her.
As an action note, to all my Brothers out there, try these things this week and see the reaction you get from your woman
- Write her a cute, short note of how you always feel when you think about her (pour your heart into it). Slip it into her bag (or send it to her when she’s least expecting it); OR
- make her a list of three best times you’ve spent together. Write out what each time meant to you and why; OR
- cook a lovely meal or make a smoothie or a fruit salad or some great food she likes and surprise her with it (I know the lockdown might prevent some of us from doing this, so you can add this to your post lockdown to do list)
Let me know how she reacts in the comments section. Remember, You’re a Christian and you have every right to be Romantic, in a godly way ofcourse.
And for the sisters reading this post,be sure to send it to that Brother you’re dating (or courting, for those who don’t like the word dating) or married to. He could use some of the tips here.
And you that is single and searching. Well, I’ve got good news for you. God still brings the best our way. He did it for me and gave me the best woman in the world as my Wife and He will do the same for you. Once He does, be sure to use these tips to keep the romance going.
And please, let me know in the comments section if there are any other godly ways Christian Brothers can practically express their romantic side without compromising on chastity.
Brother, don’t forget the assignment! One of those three things.. or even all three, for the ambitious ones. See how she reacts and let me know.
I’d see you all in the comments section!
Posted in: Pastor Femi